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Dealing with the "Stare": How to Handle Public Reactions to Stimming

It is a very common dynamic in special needs parenting: one parent has developed "tunnel vision" and focuses solely on the child, while the other parent is hyper-aware of the room's reaction. Neither reaction is wrong. Your partner likely feels protective and perhaps a bit defensive on your child's behalf.

Here are a few different strategies to handle the staring, ranging from passive to active, so your partner can find a method that makes him feel more in control of the situation.

1. The "Narrator" Method (Educational) This is often the most effective way to stop staring without being confrontational. You or your partner can narrate what is happening to the child, but loud enough for the bystanders to hear.

  • Example: If the child is flapping or vocalizing happily, say: "I can see you are so excited to be here! You are showing me how happy you are!"

  • Why it works: It immediately frames the behavior for the stranger. It changes the narrative from "that kid is acting weird" to "that kid is expressing joy."

2. The "Kill Them with Kindness" Wave Staring often happens because people are curious or confused, not necessarily malicious. When your partner notices someone staring, tell him to make eye contact, smile big, and wave or say "Hi!"

  • Why it works: It breaks the tension. If the person was just zoning out or curious, they usually smile back. If they were being rude, being acknowledged usually embarrasses them enough to make them look away immediately.

3. The "Body Block" (Protective) If the child is stimming because they are dysregulated or having a hard time (rather than happy stimming), the staring can feel more invasive. In this case, use your bodies to create a visual buffer.

  • Action: Stand between the child and the public. Create a "privacy bubble" with your backs to the crowd.

  • Why it works: This protects the child’s dignity during a vulnerable moment,. It sends a clear non-verbal signal to strangers: "This is a private family moment, please stop watching."

4. The Mindset Shift for the Partner Remind your partner that the goal of stimming is regulation.

  • If the child is stimming, they are taking care of their own nervous system. They are doing exactly what they need to do to feel safe in that environment.

  • The choice is often between "stimming and staying calm" or "suppressing the stim and having a meltdown."

  • Ask him: "Would you rather strangers stare at a happy, flapping kid, or stare at a screaming, melting-down kid?" Usually, the stimming is the lesser of two evils.

VillageED’s special education services page offers guidance for navigating public perceptions and neurodivergent behaviors: https://www.villageed.org/sped-services.