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IEP Strategies for 4-Year-Olds with Severe Behaviors at Home

It is incredibly common for children, especially those with neurodivergence or developmental delays, to hold it together at school and then fall apart the second they get home. This is often called "After-School Restraint Collapse." They expend so much energy masking or regulating in the structured school environment that they have nothing left when they get to their safe space (you).

While schools typically say they cannot control what happens at home, there are specific things you can ask for in an IEP to bridge that gap and get help.

1. The "Golden Ticket": Parent Counseling and Training

Most parents do not know this exists, but it is a specific "Related Service" under federal law (IDEA).

  • What it is: It provides you with training on the specific strategies the school is using so you can replicate them at home.

  • What to ask for: Request "Parent Counseling and Training" be added to the IEP.

  • The Goal: If the school uses a specific visual schedule, token economy, or de-escalation language that works, this service mandates that they train you on how to use it. This creates consistency, which is the #1 enemy of tantrums.

2. Request a Functional Behavioral Assessment (FBA)

Even if the behaviors are "manageable" at school, if they are impacting the child's ability to learn or socialize, you can request an FBA.

  • What it is: A specialist observes your children to figure out the function of the behavior (e.g., are they hitting to escape a task, get attention, or because they are sensory seeking?).

  • The Result: This leads to a Behavior Intervention Plan (BIP). If the school identifies that your child hits when overstimulated, the BIP might require "heavy work" (carrying books, pushing a wall) before transitions. You can then use that exact same "heavy work" strategy at home before difficult times (like dinner or bath).

3. Specific Preschool Accommodations

For 4-year-olds, you want accommodations that prevent the "battery drain" that leads to home meltdowns. If they are less exhausted leaving school, the evenings will be better.

  • Visual Schedules: Ask for a portable visual schedule. If it works at school, ask for a copy to use at home for the morning/evening routine.

  • "Safe Place" or "Cool Down Corner": A designated spot in the classroom with sensory tools (weighted lap pads, fidgets, noise-canceling headphones) where they can go before a tantrum starts.

  • Transition Warnings: A timer or specific song used before switching activities to reduce anxiety.

  • Sensory Diet: Scheduled sensory breaks (jumping on a trampoline, squishing playdough) every 60–90 minutes to keep their nervous system regulated.

4. Goals to Include

Instead of just "will not hit," ask for goals that teach replacement behaviors.

  • Communication: "Student will use a picture card or words to request a break instead of aggressing."

  • Emotional Regulation: "Student will identify when they are frustrated and select one calming strategy (e.g., deep breaths, squeezing a ball) with adult prompting".