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The "Pick-Up" Trap: What to Do When the School Calls You Daily for Aggression

One of the most stressful cycles for a special needs parent is the "mid-day phone call." The school reports that the child is lashing out or hitting, and the parent is forced to leave work or home to collect them. This situation often leaves parents feeling trapped between the need for their child to be educated and the reality that the school cannot seem to manage the behaviors.

If a child is aggressive but seems confused or sad when others cry, it indicates a disconnect in understanding cause and effect. Here is how to break the cycle of constant pick-ups and help a young learner understand the impact of their actions.

1. The "Pick-Up" Reinforcement Loop

When a child is overwhelmed by the sensory environment of a classroom, they may lash out to escape the pressure. If the school calls the parent to take them home every time this happens, the child learns a powerful lesson: "If I hit, I get to go to my safe place (home)."

  • The Fix: This is difficult, but parents must push back. The school needs to keep the child in the building unless there is an immediate medical emergency or suspension protocol. Sending a child home for behavior is often considered an "informal removal" and denies them their right to an education.

  • The Ask: Request a Functional Behavior Assessment (FBA). This legal process forces the school to figure out why the behavior is happening rather than just calling home.

2. The "Empathy Gap" (Why They Look Sad)

You mentioned the child looks sad when others cry but continues to hit. This is often not malice; it is a lack of Theory of Mind or understanding of cause and effect.

  • The Disconnect: The child sees the tears and recognizes "sadness," but they do not mentally connect that their hand caused that sadness. They view the hitting and the crying as two separate events.

  • The Teaching Tool: Do not just say "That hurts." Use visual aids. Show a picture of a hand hitting, followed by a picture of a sad face/bandage. Connect the dots visually so the brain can map the sequence.

3. Sensory Overload vs. Aggression

For many neurodivergent children, aggression is a "fight or flight" response to a chaotic environment.

 

 

  • The Trigger: If the classroom is too loud or demands are too high, the child hits to make the demand stop.

  • The Solution: The school needs to provide a "Safe Corner" or sensory break area before the explosion happens. If the child can retreat to a quiet spot voluntarily, they often won't need to hit to get space.